— Dana
Today, I started gathering my pregnancy clothes, so I could put them back in storage. It doesn’t feel right to wear them anymore (especially my shirt that says “expecting” in rhinestones). Since I was 11 weeks when I miscarried, I don’t fit in my “pre-pregnancy” clothes either. I think this whole clothes things is going to be a difficult transition for me. So, I will live in my stretchy pants until I can slowly shrink down to the size I was 2 months ago.
I also put away all the congratulation cards. The ultrasound pictures. The idea that there will be a baby in the Spring. I had a hard time sleeping last night (as did Aaron). It’s hard to rest peacefully when you have a baby inside you that is no longer alive. I keep having bad dream. Ones that I would rather not talk about. It’s hard to think clearly when you don’t get enough sleep at night. There is a time for everything, and today is a good day to put things away.
Early this morning, I was reading Ecclesiastes chapter 3. It’s a good place to start when I’m having a hard time understanding why things happen when they do. In the very beginning of that chapter, Solomon talks about the idea that there is a time for everything. His next thoughts include the idea that there is a time to be born and a time to die…and a time to weep and a time to laugh…a time to mourn and a time to dance…a time to search and a time to give up…a time to be silent and a time to speak. Its a reminder that not all things last forever. There is a time for change, and that change is inevitable.
As I look outside my window, I see evidences of change. The fall will soon be here and summer will come to a close. With this particular season comes a time to die. The leaves turn from an emerald green to shades of brown and gold. The grass no longer needs to be trimmed and the squirrels are busy gathering their supplies for the harsh winter ahead. In nature, everything seems to embrace this natural change. In the spring comes a time to live. Everything grows once again and shows no sign of mourning the loss over the winter. The Lord reminded me last night (when I couldn’t sleep) that though there is a time to die, there is also a time to live.
Today I will mourn. Tomorrow is a day to dance. There is a time for everything.
Kangas Commune 
Its so hard, Dana. I feel you. I was 7 months pregnant when Abbi’s heart stopped. I was induced, but it took a couple days to deliver her at 2 lbs 6 oz. I wish I could hug you.
Oh dear. I totally understand about the bad dreams. They’ve been getting me a bit lately too. You have such strength. Please let us know if we can do anything. Praying.
So Sorry Dana, I understand. It is still hard sometimes. I can’t wait to see my Willow when I get to heaven. Today I mourn with you.
Dana, I love you so much! Please, go easy on yourself. Although you never held this child in your arms, you cared for it, loved it & celebrated the gift God gave you. You have been the best mother you could be in the breif time God gave you, & that is all he asks of any of us.
As much as it hurts, you need to greive this loss as any parent who loses a child. It will be a process & cannot be hurried through. It will take time &you will need support from your friends &family. Please let me know how I can support you.
As for the “expecting” shirt, maybe some day it can be put to another use. There is a pastor in our church who is always asking people (men &women alike) if they are expecting. When they are confused, he expands..” Are you expecting to encounter the almighty living God in your life today?”
Although God is no longer present in the heartbeat of your sweet little one, He has not left your side, & I’m glad you have not left Him. I hope you are still expecting God to do something miraculous with this precious life…I know I am!
Oh, Dana, I’m SO sorry! You wrote so eloquently and honestly that even one who has never been a mother (me) can feel with you. I know God will give both of you the healing only He can bring.
((hugs))
You are such an awesome woman Dana
dana, your grace and courage and wisdom are such an inspiration. you are truly one of the most amazing women in my life. i am grateful for you and love you so much. please call if you need to. please stop by if you need to. i can just come and be with you if that would be helpful. whatever you need. don’t hesitate.
Some comments from my Facebook Page…
Jen Quaschnick ♥ HUGS ♥
Yesterday at 11:18am · Unlike · 1 person
Holly T. Moody Meginniss Loves. Forever.
Yesterday at 11:26am · Unlike · 1 person
Kim Torgerson hugs and kisses Dana
Yesterday at 12:08pm · Unlike · 1 person
Tosha Ziehnert so sorry 😦 I understand and mourn with you today.
Yesterday at 12:11pm · Unlike · 1 person
Abby Aiken Clay Alex and I have you and Aaron in our thoughts.
23 hours ago · Unlike · 1 person
Gracie Klontz Oh Dana, I’m so sorry. Will keep you lifted up in prayer my friend.
23 hours ago · Unlike · 1 person
Elinor Young Oh, Dana, I’m SO sorry! How courageously you write. God will give you both His healing, I’m sure.
22 hours ago · Unlike · 1 person
Dana Kangas You guys are the best. I know it’s hard to know what to say in a situation like this. Everyone has said just the right thing to comfort our hearts today. Thank you…
21 hours ago · Like