Today, I started gathering my pregnancy clothes, so I could put them back in storage. It doesn’t feel right to wear them anymore (especially my shirt that says “expecting” in rhinestones). Since I was 11 weeks when I miscarried, I don’t fit in my “pre-pregnancy” clothes either. I think this whole clothes things is going to be a difficult transition for me. So, I will live in my stretchy pants until I can slowly shrink down to the size I was 2 months ago.
I also put away all the congratulation cards. The ultrasound pictures. The idea that there will be a baby in the Spring. I had a hard time sleeping last night (as did Aaron). It’s hard to rest peacefully when you have a baby inside you that is no longer alive. I keep having bad dream. Ones that I would rather not talk about. It’s hard to think clearly when you don’t get enough sleep at night. There is a time for everything, and today is a good day to put things away.
Early this morning, I was reading Ecclesiastes chapter 3. It’s a good place to start when I’m having a hard time understanding why things happen when they do. In the very beginning of that chapter, Solomon talks about the idea that there is a time for everything. His next thoughts include the idea that there is a time to be born and a time to die…and a time to weep and a time to laugh…a time to mourn and a time to dance…a time to search and a time to give up…a time to be silent and a time to speak. Its a reminder that not all things last forever. There is a time for change, and that change is inevitable.
As I look outside my window, I see evidences of change. The fall will soon be here and summer will come to a close. With this particular season comes a time to die. The leaves turn from an emerald green to shades of brown and gold. The grass no longer needs to be trimmed and the squirrels are busy gathering their supplies for the harsh winter ahead. In nature, everything seems to embrace this natural change. In the spring comes a time to live. Everything grows once again and shows no sign of mourning the loss over the winter. The Lord reminded me last night (when I couldn’t sleep) that though there is a time to die, there is also a time to live.
Today I will mourn. Tomorrow is a day to dance. There is a time for everything.