I’ve been trying to write this for some time this afternoon. As I sit here and attempt to type out my thoughts, I end up pushing the delete key until the screen is blank again. I’m left just staring at the blinking cursor. I want to share something that I went through today. I’m still trying to process it, so I think that’s why I’m having a hard time writing this. I think maybe “talking” about it may help me come to terms with it…I’m not sure. So, here it goes…
Aaron and I announced to our friends and family that our second child would be born in early April. We debated throughout the first few weeks whether we should wait and tell people that I was pregnant after the first trimester…or if we should go ahead and tell everyone as soon as we found out. I was so conflicted with what I wanted to do. On one hand, I didn’t want to tell anyone. On the other hand, if something happened I really wanted others to be a part of the whole process. Turns out, I can’t keep a happy secret. So, we started telling people once I was 8 weeks pregnant. It seems like as soon as I started telling people, things started to get worrisome during my doctor appointments.
So, this afternoon I went to my doctors appointment by myself (because it was suppose to be a quick ultrasound to make sure the baby was growing). I quickly found out that there wasn’t a heartbeat anymore, and that I had indeed miscarried earlier this week (which would have made me 11 weeks at that point). No one really knows why miscarriages happen. I just know that I am left with an empty womb and an empty part in my heart. It’s such a strange feeling when you lose something you never really had. I never held this baby in my arms, but as soon as the lines showed up on the pregnancy test I was going to be a mother of two children. It’s amazing how you can love something you’ve never met. And I don’t think it makes it any easier because it happened early in my pregnancy. A loss is a loss…no matter when it happens.
However, I trust that God has a plan for our life. I know that there is always a reason when things like this happen (and I may never know the reason in this life). I know that I am now a little more scared to try to get pregnant again. I know there is nothing I could have done to save the baby. I also know that it wasn’t my fault. I know that God is watching over us and that He loves us and will never turn His back on us. That’s why, during this time, I will not turn my back on Him. Because I’m not angry, just broken-hearted. And I know today is day to grieve…maybe even for a few days…
In some way, this experience will cause my faith to grow. I know that right now the wounds are still fresh. But, much like other wounds I’ve experienced, I know it will heal over time. I’ve been blessed beyond measure and I’m thanking the Lord for our very healthy 2 year old this evening. Naomi is such a joy. It’s hard to be sad when you have a little girl that is so full of life. Join with us in prayer as you feel led. ”The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18
I trust this blog post will find you well. Many blessings in the coming weeks.