Some (not-so-good) News

— Dana

I’ve been trying to write this for some time this afternoon. As I sit here and attempt to type out my thoughts, I end up pushing the delete key until the screen is blank again. I’m left just staring at the blinking cursor. I want to share something that I went through today. I’m still trying to process it, so I think that’s why I’m having a hard time writing this. I think maybe “talking” about it may help me come to terms with it…I’m not sure. So, here it goes…

Aaron and I announced to our friends and family that our second child would be born in early April. We debated throughout the first few weeks whether we should wait and tell people that I was pregnant after the first trimester…or if we should go ahead and tell everyone as soon as we found out. I was so conflicted with what I wanted to do. On one hand, I didn’t want to tell anyone. On the other hand, if something happened I really wanted others to be a part of the whole process. Turns out, I can’t keep a happy secret. So, we started telling people once I was 8 weeks pregnant. It seems like as soon as I started telling people, things started to get worrisome during my doctor appointments.

So, this afternoon I went to my doctors appointment by myself (because it was suppose to be a quick ultrasound to make sure the baby was growing). I quickly found out that there wasn’t a heartbeat anymore, and that I had indeed miscarried earlier this week (which would have made me 11 weeks at that point). No one really knows why miscarriages happen. I just know that I am left with an empty womb and an empty part in my heart. It’s such a strange feeling when you lose something you never really had. I never held this baby in my arms, but as soon as the lines showed up on the pregnancy test I was going to be a mother of two children. It’s amazing how you can love something you’ve never met. And I don’t think it makes it any easier because it happened early in my pregnancy. A loss is a loss…no matter when it happens.

However, I trust that God has a plan for our life. I know that there is always a reason when things like this happen (and I may never know the reason in this life). I know that I am now a little more scared to try to get pregnant again. I know there is nothing I could have done to save the baby. I also know that it wasn’t my fault. I know that God is watching over us and that He loves us and will never turn His back on us. That’s why, during this time, I will not turn my back on Him. Because I’m not angry, just broken-hearted. And I know today is day to grieve…maybe even for a few days…

In some way, this experience will cause my faith to grow. I know that right now the wounds are still fresh. But, much like other wounds I’ve experienced, I know it will heal over time. I’ve been blessed beyond measure and I’m thanking the Lord for our very healthy 2 year old this evening. Naomi is such a joy. It’s hard to be sad when you have a little girl that is so full of life. Join with us in prayer as you feel led. ‎”The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18

I trust this blog post will find you well. Many blessings in the coming weeks.

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3 thoughts on “Some (not-so-good) News

  1. Dana,
    I am so sorry to hear your sad news. I will pray for you and your family and those touched by your loss. I lost a baby in my first trimester 3 years ago. I can relate to all of the questions you are having and the loss you are feeling. It took time to heal, but God keeps His promises to heal us and bind up our wounds.
    Sincerely,
    Dana (Wisconsin)

  2. Dana,
    As a mommy who has lost multiple pregnancies (including my daughter Abigail at 31 weeks gestation) I feel your loss deeply in my heart. It’s the club no one wants to belong to. Our Heavenly Father loves us dearly, and He is with you now. His reasons are beyond our comprehension, but they are for Good.
    As a suggestion for your physical well being, I recommend Traditional Medicinals Raspberry Leaf Tea for your cramping and muscular discomforts. I’ve used it through my past two miscarriages, and it helped a great deal.
    The Kangas family is in my heart and prayers. If you need an ear that knows your pain, please call. 206 910 4000. That is my cell number, and if I don’t answer for some odd reason, I WILL CALL YOU BACK ASAP. I’m hugging you right now in my heart. Love on little Naomi for me!! She is an angel on earth to help heal your soul. Hold Aaron close during this time, as such emotional pain can tear marriages to pieces instead of cementing them closer. Talk about your loss together, spend quality time together, and celebrate your life together. Your baby, your family, and Our Lord does not want you to suffer with this loss.
    Much love to you, my friend!!
    Emily

  3. Here are some comments from my Facebook page…

    Suzun Kaiser Dana and Aaron, I am so sorry and my thoughts and prayers are with all of you.
    Friday at 6:47pm · Unlike · 1 person

    Jared Simpson I will be praying for you guys.
    Friday at 6:50pm · Unlike · 1 person

    Danielle Beck I’m so sorry for your loss. I will be praying for you.
    Friday at 6:51pm · Unlike · 1 person

    Jennifer Shorts You are in my prayers!
    Friday at 6:52pm · Unlike · 1 person

    Jen Quaschnick My dear sweet friend, I am in awe of your faith and composure and ability to communicate so powerfully during this most heartbreaking time. I am comforted, however, that you are secure in your faith and that you are *surrounded* by your closest family and friends to help support you if/when that faith wavers. If I can offer any advice it would be to let yourself feel every part of the grieving process…anger is part of that..just so long as you do not wallow in it and allow bitter roots to grow from it. I love you so much. I have felt your same pain and I am sorry that we are now a part of this unfortunate sisterhood. Your family is always in my prayers, but even more so as you work your way through this challenging time.
    Friday at 6:58pm · Unlike · 2 people

    Lynn Gibson Ellis Oh sweet friend, how sorry I am for your loss! I also miscarried at 11 weeks so I can identify with what you’re going through. I will be lifting you and yours in prayer. {{hugs}}
    Friday at 7:49pm · Unlike · 1 person

    Kelli Keiper Miller So sorry, Dana! Praying for you and your beautiful family. Love you guys
    Friday at 8:16pm · Unlike · 1 person

    Meegan Barth Ware I’m so sorry. I know of what you are going through. I have such respect for your deep faith, and your ability to write. You touch hearts, you really do.
    Friday at 8:20pm · Unlike · 1 person

    Felisa Grubb Sorry for your loss, Dana. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!
    Friday at 8:25pm · Unlike · 1 person

    Brooke T Angel ‎~Hugs~ There is a plan, even if we don’t quite understand it. I am so sorry to hear this painful event has happened. B
    Friday at 8:36pm · Unlike · 1 person
    Dana Kangas Thanks everyone. The three of us went to the Onion tonight. Aaron and I had a beer and we shared a dessert together. It was good to get out of the house to laugh and cry.
    Friday at 8:51pm · Like · 3 people

    Lateshia Russell So sorry for your loss. It is not easy at all. I have gone through it twice and its hard to handle. I am here if you just need to chat. Thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. 🙂
    Friday at 8:56pm · Unlike · 1 person
    Dana Kangas Lateshia – If you are beginning to feel like twins are too much to handle, feel free to send one over to my house. We’ll just consider you being a surrogate for me.
    Friday at 8:59pm · Like · 2 people

    Catherine Donnelly So so very sorry, Dana. May God hold you a little closer.
    Friday at 9:15pm · Unlike · 1 person

    Laura Collazo Dana I am so sorry to hear this. Praying for you and your family right now.
    Friday at 9:22pm · Unlike · 1 person

    Sara Hernandez dana and aaron my heart hurts for u i am so sorry for ur loss 😦 i will be praying!
    Friday at 9:37pm · Unlike · 1 person

    Katie McCaslin I am so sorry Dana and Aaron. I cried for you as I read this. I am not sure of what to say but I know that that little darlings life has a great reasoning behind it. I will be praying for comfort and strength for you and your family. ♥
    Friday at 10:00pm · Unlike · 1 person

    Jillian Devine Cookies n’ Cream, i am so sorry and i just wanted to say that i am so encouraged by your faith and love for the Lord and His plans. loves
    Friday at 10:38pm · Unlike · 1 person

    Bethany Joy I’m so sorry 😦 Your faith is touching though. I pray you’ll be healed & rewarded for it… ♥
    Friday at 11:38pm · Unlike · 1 person

    Bekah Lindsey I’m praying for you Dana. Love you my friend.
    Friday at 11:45pm · Unlike · 1 person

    Carmen Spotts Joining you in prayer….
    Yesterday at 9:06am · Unlike · 1 person

    Deanna Butler Harrison I’m so sorry, Dana and Aaron. We will be praying for you as you heal and follow our Lord. Love you!
    Yesterday at 10:53am · Unlike · 1 person

    Kathleen Singleton Oh, Dana. I am so, so broken-hearted for you and for Aaron and Naomi, but am thinking of you and praying for you also. And, as many others have said above, I’m encouraged by you.
    23 hours ago · Unlike · 1 person

    Angela Dawn Weathers I’m so sorry to hear this sad news, but you are looking at it in a very healthy way. I know just what you’re going through, but better things are yet to come, we have our little Madi to account for that. Don’t be scared to try again, we waited for a month and then got pregnant again the next month. It was a lifesaver to have Morgan to be thankful for and love on during that sad time. You will have all kinds of emotions after the D and C, I did, I felt even more empty, but it will pass. You’re in my thoughts and prayer!
    22 hours ago · Unlike · 1 person
    Dana Kangas You guys are the best. I know it’s hard to know what to say in a situation like this. Everyone has said just the right thing to comfort our hearts today. Thank you…
    21 hours ago · Like · 2 people

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