I want to write to you, I do.
I want to tell you what I’m learning. What I’m researching. What I’m dreaming. The kind of dreams that leave me open and vulnerable. The kind of things that make me human.
I want to give you pieces of me…because when I don’t give you pieces of me I feel as if there isn’t a release valve to my life…and the pressure cooker is going to explode.
We both know you don’t need me. We both know you don’t have to have me. We both know that life goes on should I not whisper another single world out into the unknown. But knowing that doesn’t change a thing for me as a writer, because a writer must create.
So I look at the unchanging face of my blog…as it sits quietly waiting my return…and I remember this must be what it feels like to disappear. I’m like the Cheshire cat fading away all but my smile. I’m a magician carrying out a disappearing act. Remember when I wanted to disappear, but was too afraid?
I’m not afraid anymore.
So I tell myself to calm down. I tell myself to stop worrying about the un-updated blog. I tell myself to take a nap, or munch on chocolates or just go for a swim. I give myself busy work…“Go pick the gray hairs from your head,” I say.
And meanwhile I guess I will say thank you. Thank you for continuing to live your lives, while I continue to live mine in unwritten chapters that will eventually fade away in my mind. Chapters I both fear and long to share as I live out this life.
I like to think that this is how we live our lives…blowing in and out of each other’s space as the time is right. Like Mary Poppins when she returns as the winds shift…as the seasons trade out whose turn it is to be on duty. And I believe we’ll both know when the time is right to see each other again. We’ll get better and better at this dance. Ins and outs, ebbs and flows, nows and laters. The unforced rhythm of grace…of art…of life.
What will you create “in the mean time?” Won’t it be fun to reconvene?