I’ve been reading our old blog posts this week. The oldest ones I could find were from 2005…the worst year of our lives!!!
What an interesting time to start blogging. When life was throwing crap at us from every direction we would sit down and write…and cry. When I looked back at our writing style through those difficult years, I realized that Aaron tends to be the light-hearted blogger while I take on the tone of a frustrated (yet vulnerable) author. Not all of our writings are polished and “print-ready”…but they make for great snapshots into our lives.
As I journeyed though our months of blogging, I eventually came across a blog post that literally stopped me in my tracks. I could feel the raw emotions that went into creating each phrase in that entry.
My heart aches for this Dana that lived in the past. As I read my blog post, I could feel the emotion surge up from the depths of my soul. Like an old wound being ripped open again. I wanted to whisper to past Dana…”It will be okay. Just hold on for a few more years.” It’s bizarre being on the other side of these feelings. I’ve gained some incredible knowledge and insight from going through all these different experiences. And I know that the Lord had me go through all these things for my benefit. However, it was through looking back at my old journals that I realized this one truth in a deeper way. Since God knows the beginning and the end of all things, one would think that the Holy Spirit could be heard in the midst of my despair saying, “Hang in there. I have a plan. Don’t lose hope.”
It’s hard to hear when you’re drowning in a sea of emotions.
My heart then immediately broke for people who think suicide is the only answer. There were many nights in those few years where the temptation to take my life was all too real. What would have happened if I was not in a right state of mind to reason my way out of the emotions that were overtaking my heart and mind. It was only by the Grace of God that I was able to be wooed back to reality…to hear His voice over the temptation of Satan in the midst of my pain and suffering.
I am also grateful for my husband. Without his light-hearted spirit, I would drown in my own despair and forget that there is a thing called laughter.