Weeping

I am pretty sure I don’t want to be an adult anymore. There are too many tough decisions to make. Some choices are as simple as “what should we make for dinner”…and yet other choices seem to crush my body like a tiny ant in the hands of a child.

People have been making decisions from the beginning of time. Adam picked names for all the animals. Eve decided to make a choice based on what Satan said. Noah listened to God and decided to build an ark in the middle of the desert. Jonah disobeyed God’s call to preach to a nation that he despised. Jesus willingly went to the cross and He chose to listen to God. These are just a handful of people in the Bible. What about every single human being that has ever lived?

Freewill has been given…freely. Choices have to be made…daily. I have tried to go about my day not making a single choice…but that in and of itself is a choice. I am choosing not to choose. Damn it.

So, since I have to make decisions throughout my day, I feel like I have to make the “right” choice all the time. The problem is that I feel like (in the moment) that I am making the right choice. However, a few days go by and it reveals that the choices that I made were in fact the wrong choice. Where does that leave me? Where is the grace in my life…from me to me?

The Bible (which I believe in theory to be true…but I obviously don’t listen to all the time and put it into practice) tells me that no one is perfect and that we have all tried to do our own thing and go our own way (Romans 3:23 and Isaiah 53:6). Why, oh why, do I think that I am an exception to this rule? Why do I think that I can do everything right all the time and make all the right choices 100% of the time? Who am I kidding?

I don’t want to be an adult anymore.

Advice comes at me from every angle. I go to the doctor, he tells me one thing. I visit a friend, they tell me another. I read something in a book and then it totally throws everything I know out the window. Advice. Tips. Comparison. Feelings. Emotions. Choices.

In the end, I have to figure out what is best for me and my situation, but it is really hard. Maybe I can just go back to being a big baby.

When I think about it, I am a big baby when it comes to making choices now. This has not been the story of my life until recently. I have become a big weeping baby in the body of an adult. Someone save me!!! At times, I will cry about making a choice. Perhaps, the next time you see me, I will throw in a little stomping into the mix for effect. If you’re one of the lucky few, maybe you’ll catch me in a full temper tantrum. Most of the time, however, this all happens in the depths of my mind. I roll around every scenario and contemplate all the possible results of each action that I could make. I…by nature…am an over-analyzer. I bet you couldn’t tell. I suppose if I truly wanted to become a child again, I need to let the over-analyzing go. Children don’t think past what is right in front of them…at least most of the time. Jesus told his disciples that “unless you accept God’s Kingdom in the simplicity of a child, you’ll never get in”. (Luke 18:15-17)

Did you catch that? Simplicity. Not over-analyzing. Not making things more complicated than it is. Not throwing a temper tantrum. Not acting “childish”.

I wish I could live in the peace and simplicity of a child. When I watch my daughter play with her toys, you can see the joy of being right there in the moment. Not worrying about who she will vote for or when she will find time to go grocery shopping. Her everyday needs are met…by me.

I need a me to meet my needs. Actually, when I think about it, I need a Jesus to meet my needs.

When I get right down to the heart of it, I wish I was better at laying things at Jesus’ feet. Surrendering everything to Him. The last five years has been filled with weeping and over-analyzing…sprinkled with a touch of fear and cynicism. This has lead to my inability to make choices. Simple. Difficult. Inconsequential. You name it, I can’t seem to decide.

Which is why I don’t really want to be an adult anymore. It means I have to change. And change is hard.

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